Malls and I are like Oil and Water.

On Friday, I had an evening off. Those are kind of rare. I also had the urge to go shopping for clothes which is even rarer. I had had some gift cards that had been burning a hole in my pocket for a while, mostly because it made it hard for my wallet to close. So I figured it was time to get some more work clothes.

I hopped in my trusty chariot and headed out towards the biggest mall, which compared to most cities, is quite small. I had two stores in mind and a movie to make at 9:00pm. Plenty of time. I spent about the first 30 minutes going through sales racks, normal racks, checking out what the manikins were wearing and if I thought I could pull it off. In most cases it was a no. Especially with yellow, that is one thing I learned earlier this year, yellow is so not my color. With my arms loaded down, I headed to the changing room. 15 minutes later I had tried on everything, rejected some, laughed at others, and was confused about how one dress was even worn. I kept pulling and tugging at it trying to figure out if that is how the material was going to lay. It was red, white, and cream stripped and made my butt look great, however, the middle section with some weird extra cloth and tiny little string belt confused me. I almost went outside the stall and asked the gaggle of teenage girls if they thought it looked good and how it was worn. But, I figured if I couldn’t figure it out myself, I shouldn’t wear it. Feeling slightly successful in adding new colors, styles, and textures to my closet, I headed off to a favorite basics store of mine, Old Navy.

This store is great for all of your basics like flip flops, camis, and t-shirts. The previous weekend I had lost one of my black flip flops. One flip flop does you no good. I lost it while swinging my feet off a pier. It hit the water and floated off faster than my mind could work to use the long net sitting next to me. Anyway, I needed to replace that and get a few more things. After a couple more wardrobe changes I felt satisfied with my choices and headed out the door. That was it, not browsing other stores, just in and out and I hadn’t wanted to scream. I was proud of myself.

That was until I walked outside and had NO idea where I parked. It has been a little while since I’ve done this. My car, though long, is not very tall. A Ford Fiesta could easily hide it. I wandered around looking for it for about 10 minutes. Where or where did I park? Was it this way? Or over here? What angle did I enter the store? I had no idea. In my head I kept making the little panic beep beep noise that people with newer cars can use to locate their car. However, Eleanor being as sexy as she is does not have that ability. Success! I found her! Wait, was my window down? Yes, yes it was. Apparently sometime between the first store and the second store’s changing rooms a massive storm popped up, dropped buckets of water and left. Some of those buckets ended up on my seat. It didn’t just make the seat damp, it made it wet. So now, lacking a towel, I am trying to sit more in the middle of the bench seat while driving. Not really a smart move.

Before leaving the mall, I decide, my glasses have been driving me crazy for some time, why not take them to Lenses Crafters and get them adjusted. This requires another parking space which I will make sure I remember where I parked. I was successful in finding one fairly close to the store, however, it took me like 5 minutes, and it was probably more like a 18 point turn to get into the spot. If I had a parking card, someone should have come up, taken it out of my possession, ripped it up, set it on fire and blew the ashes in my face. That is how horrible of a time I was making this parking job. The good news, I didn’t touch the other cars.

My butt it wet because I couldn’t quite avoid the wet seat. I wnder around for a little bit until someone comes to my rescue. A kind lady asks what I need, I tell her an adjustment for my glasses, and then she takes my glasses. It has been a hot minute since I’ve sat around glassless or contact free. Man, is the world is a blur. I kept randomly giggling to myself because everything is just so fuzzy. I felt like my eyes were open wider because they were trying to take in every ounce of light in hopes of making anything a tad bit more clear. I had a thought that if anyone were to come in and rob the place I would only be able to tell them what color shirt they were wearing and only if they were male or female based on their voice. I would be a terrible eyewitness. When the sales lady came back she commented on few scratches my glasses had. She places the frames upon my face and noted they were crooked and I told her a little tight. I also assured her that it was probably my fat face and lopsided ears. She laughed and went back to make some adjustments. At this point I tried to send a text to a friend. This meant my phone was like 3 inches from my face. When the eye glass people are laughing at how close you put the phone to your face you know you’re blind. The glasses wer successfully adjusted this time and I thanked them for their time. I also made my current favroite saying about my eyes. I told them I was so glad to be living in this century other wise I feel a bear would have eaten me by now. They laughed and I left.

Pulling out of the parking lot, now sitting on a flease jaket to buffer some of the wet seat, I head home. Mission comlete.